1) Don’t complain about something that is obviously a good thing (we know you’re not really upset that Gilbert won’t go to sleep at night because he just can’t put Moby Dick down — and him only in the first grade!).
2) Pretend some reciprocal interest when other parents flap on and on about their own (obviously not as advanced) prodigies. A nod or an “uh-huh” is usually sufficient, but the more feedback you give, the more you get (unless you’re seriously outnumbered in the progeny department or outgunned in the braggadaccio* department).
3) Don’t use words like “gifted” more than five times in a sentence, even if it also refers to the program Diana should be in despite not passing the gifted screening (because the screening was a written test, and everyone knows that testing for gifted should not be written, for goodness’ sake).
4) Avoid disingenuous statements like, “I don’t remember from when I was in school, but I thought calculus wasn’t taught until high school; I can’t imagine where Anne learned about standard deviations in third grade.”
5) Don’t ask “questions” like: “Was your first as good a helper with the young’uns as my Fred is?”
6) Try to curb the blanket, unsubstantiated superlatives like “best” and “smartest,” unless your kid really is a cross between Einstein and Mother Theresa (in which case she should be at least a little misunderstood; it’s good for the character).
7) Keep in mind that somebody, somewhere has to be “average.”
*(I’m pretty sure there’s some Italian word to describe what I mean here. Maybe Marcy can help me?)
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Shannon, if you ever have a boy you should name him Gilbert.
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Marcy, I concur!
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Please note that there are no rules when it comes to bragging about husbands.
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Oh, I know what you mean. No, really!
There is a mom I know who does this and I never know what to say. My response isn’t going to be a defensive response of my kids because I don’t really feel the need to be that way, but doesn’t that sort of implies (to this mom) that my kids aren’t brag-worthy?
My kids are great, I *could* go on and on (and on…) about their special accomplishments, but then that wouldn’t be a very good model of humility and good manners, huh?
I wonder if the excessive my-kid-is-superior-to-your-kid type of bragging ever embarrasses the kids overhearing it?
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I agree. And his middle name should be Blythe. He’ll be a lady killer!
I don’t mind people bragging about their kids, I think its good for the kids to hear themselves being bragged on. What annoys me is when people suggest that in light of their own children mine are not average, but deficient. It’s not supposed to be a competition, but it is of course.
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I’ve been reading this church talk in which Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said:
“Be constructive in your comments to a child—always. Never tell them, even in whimsy, that they are fat or dumb or lazy or homely. You would never do that maliciously, but they remember and may struggle for years trying to forget—and to forgive. And try not to compare your children, even if you think you are skillful at it. You may say most positively that ‘Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright,’ but all Susan will remember is that she isn’t bright and Sandra that she isn’t pretty. Praise each child individually for what that child is, and help him or her escape our culture’s obsession with comparing, competing, and never feeling we are ‘enough.’”
I don’t think I’ve come across many moms who brag. I’d probably have a hard time with it.
Loved your comment, Tom.
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I love bragging about my husband and my children. I have no particular rules about it either. It takes a lot of work to teach a kid how to read well. And I mean a lot of work. most of the moms on this blog seem to have very small children, so they may not realize what an accomplishment it is to have a kid read moby dick.
Just as it is a parent’s job to take care of their children, it is also the parents job to love and adore their children. it may not be you job to think that my kids are the best or smartest, but it is my job to feel that way. every child needs a family and parents who feel that way about them. as they go out into the world, they may find that they are average out there, but at home they are the best, and there is nothing wrong with that.
you say what you want about your own children, but you will always hear from me that my kids are the best at reading(samuel), social skills(isaiah), or even destruction(nephi). my third son nephi’s greatest talent is figuring out and destroying things. he learned how to ride a bike when he was 18 months, and how to open child proof pill bottles when he was 2. due to his talent he fed his sister a ton of tylenol and she spend a week in the hospital so she wouldnt’ die of liver damage. try to beat that…………!
sylwia
sylwia
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Thanks for the hilarious post – it made me laugh!
Hey – I love the TravBuddy map. How did you put it in your sidebar? I tried to do one (I know I’m a copycat), but it didn’t work.
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Well, I just wish I knew what to say when a mom says to “Isn’t my daughter the absolute prettiest girl you have ever seen??!!!!” I’m thinking, “uh, not really.. she’s alright.” But the child is right there in front of you so you have to nod your head a little and change the subject.
That kind of extreme bragging sort of backs the listener into a corner, w/ very little to say that is both honest and tactful.
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haha. i don’t know if gilbert blythe johnson is such a great name. i like gilbert, of course, but “gil” sounds fishy and “bert” sounds like sesame street. that’s imagining that i could ever have a boy in the first place!
i think the Jeffrey Holland quote is awesome, Marcy. when i heard it last conference, i thought, this is so true. and it goes along with bragging about your own kids to other moms also. as in Gladis’ example, if another mom asks you to agree that her daughter is the “absolute prettiest,” how or why would you want to agree with that in front of your own daughter? this is just plain inconsiderate on the part of the bragging mother.
i have a friend who is great at giving compliments and being positive and cheerful. but i sometimes feel a bit uncomfortable when she turns this to my kids or her own daughter. maybe this is some puritan thing a bit on my part that i don’t gush over how cute my kids are or whatever.
but just let someone say anything remotely unflattering! then the mommy bear will roar! someone (don’t know if you’re reading this blog yet, Liz) kept commenting on Lucy’s nose when she was first born, saying things like, “I just don’t know where she gets that nose from.” and frankly, i thought Lucy’s nose was better looking than her kid’s nose! so i just said nothing. until i sat through the same “where did that nose come from?” like 5 times, and then i said, “hey, tom and i thought your kid’s nose was a bit funny at first, but we didn’t say anything, so maybe you could stop saying anything TOO!” and she (being the most awesome, wonderful sil ever) did.
i think it is great when there is a family with many (at least 2) kids, and each kid thinks that they are the parents’ favorite–not in a competive way, but in that “i know i’m special” sort of way. i think Christianity wants us to be humble but also to be sure that we are children of God, and as such, we’re each pretty darn special.
Susan–if you have sidebar widgets, you can add a text box and then copy and paste the embed code from the travbuddy website into the text box. if you don’t have sidebar widgets, then i have no idea. maybe ask on wordpress.com help? i’ve found their help articles to be pretty helpful sometimes (not as helpful as asking tom, but, you know…). is your theme a 2.0 theme? bec. i think all 2.0 themes are widget compatible?
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It’s so obvious, I’m sure you’ll all agree that my daughter-in-law, Shannon, is a completely superior person, on top of being utterly gorgeous.
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awww, i think i’m blushing. thanks, Grampa!
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Sometimes I have to wonder if the bragging is for the child’s self esteem, or to make the parent feel as though they are the awesome ones for giving birth to such talented children.
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How about Gillie for a nickname? We went to school with a family named Gillie (their last name). It could work!
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What about GilGil? Maybe if you get a different pronunciation…like pronouncing it Jill-Bear (with the J being like jean-claude van damme – don’t get me started on how awesome he is). I think the ladies would go crazy for it.
Brock
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Gille is my maiden name. That was my only name when I played high school sports. My sister became “Little Gille” and the same happened for my brothers. Probably not related to Marcy’s friends.
Oh, and I think I just posted a brag post before I clicked over here. Luckily I don’t know any other baby boys exactly my baby’s age to compare to. (I don’t hang out w/ the other Dylan from church enough I guess) so it may be bragging, but I’m just finally happy that my baby is hitting mile stones – probably late – who knows. I’m too lazy to go get out my baby book to write in it now.
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Shannon, you hit on exactly what I am saying. This has happened in front of my daughter, and I know she hears wonderful stuff from me, be I don’t want her to hear me agree (out of politeness) that someone elses dd is “the absolute most wonderful,” when I think my own is.
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Loved your post, Shannon. Touche!, Tom.
a related issue: one construction i love to hate is when a parent is discussing one of their kids who is a genuine delinquint or downright criminal, and they say, “Johnnie is really a good kid, he just…”. Or the similar situation, when a kid with real intellectual or achievement challenges is being discussed, and somebody invariably says, “Johnnie is actually a very bright kid, it’s just that…” Isn’t bright is as bright does? Or stink is stink because it stinks, not because we wish it could be something else.
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I think it is fine to talk highly of your children and other people’s children. I think there is a difference between speaking highly of your children and bragging about your children. I think Will is amazing. I also recognize that his friends are pretty cool too. Obviously since he is my kid, I think he is the best. I don’t want Will to grow up thinking he is superior than other kids. I want him to have a good self-esteem and know that we love him and think he is great. But I don’t want him to think he is better than anyone else. That is wrong.
I’m glad Marcy brought the quote up by Elder Holland because I totally agree about that.
Mike says this about bragging about your children, “I think it’s just like any other form of pride-stupid and wrong.” He doesn’t know I put his opinion on…he is out of town. Hope he’s not embarrassed.
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Hmmm. I don’t know how I did that….the same thing got written twice. I think this is the second time I’ve done that. Sorry. Shannon, maybe you can fix it again? Sorry.
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One more thing–I agree with your dad (brother hyatt to me). Once when I brought Mike home to visit the family before I was married my dad said, “Adrianne is the sweetest person you will ever meet. But man, when she is mad, she is the worst person to be around.” That really hurt me. I wondered why he couldn’t just say, “Adrianne is the sweetest person.” When you say something positive about your kid and then immediately say something negative you are canceling out the first part of the comment.
I think I have caught myself saying, “Will really is a great kid but man, sometimes he drives me nuts.” It is something I need to be careful of so that he doesn’t have the same experience I had with my dad (who is wonderful by the way).
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You know all those stories about how it was in the old days? They didn’t say “I love you” as much as we do now, but the kids knew they were special in the eyes of the parents. Of course, I am an advocate of saying “I love you” lots, but as far as bragging as a form of praise…
I’m wondering if we sometimes try too hard to put everyone in categories. Like the “Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright” thing. I think I just like to let me kids “be” whatever they are instead of labeling it. Know what I mean? If I say my kid is kind (I know, it’s the generalization thing that gets to me!) then if she does something unkind I look like a liar. Instead, if my kid does something kind I will definitely praise the specific behavior.
Does this make sense?
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Oh, and the other thing I meant to say. If I call one kid artistic then the other kids might think that’s just not their thing and not even try to be artistic. If I call one kid an athlete he might not think that reading is all that important for him.
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The previous quotes are very true. My parents seemed to think that of their 3 kids only one of us was entitled to any given talent or idiosyncracy. I was the writer, my sister was the artist, my brother the mechanical genius. We are all pretty good at writing, but only I was allowed the recognition. My sister and I both liked cats, but my sister got all the cat stuff and I got dog stuff. I hated dogs! I wanted cat stuff too!
There is such a thing as praising your child too much. I have already told some of you how my parents were always telling me I was sooo smart that I wouldn’t have to worry about money for college, and that my brilliance would just impress everyone to pieces. As a result I never felt like I had to try. I became a lazy student. Why bother if I’m so impressive as is?
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great comments everyone!
Dad–you kill me on the love to hate thing. why is it so fun to get irritated about some things?
Marie–this is what i was feeling a bit the other day about the gifted thing. i was “gifted” as a kid, and, though it didn’t make me a lazy student, it made me not try in other areas. so i think my perception of myself wasn’t the best incentive to become a good all-around person.
Adrianne–i read somewhere that it takes 7 positive things to counteract the sting from 1 criticism. i know i should just stop ever criticizing, but in the meantime (while waiting for that epiphanous moment of character-transfiguration), i try to balance my bads with 7 goods. that can get kind of exhausting, so that’s more incentive to stop with the negative.
Tammy–yep!
oh, and dudes! on the gil-jill nickname thing, all i can say is, thank goodness it’s the weekend and hopefully we can all take a few days (or hours…minutes?) off … jill-bear?
and Tiffany, like i said, the blog (as scrapbook/journal/babybook) is certainly a place to mark all those awesome milestones. Go Dylan!!
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