I’ve said before that I am interested in why we do what we do as much as what we do. Here is my list of possible motives for everything I do on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, or lifetime basis. I assume that many of my actions are motivated by two or more of these in various combinations. (At one point in thinking about this, I listed the 7 deadly sins; those sure come in handy, eh?)
Possible Motives
need, desire, fear, love, anger, envy, empathy, experience, expedience, moral belief
These could be debated for hours. And it points to the utter irrationality of some of my actions. At first I didn’t have anger up there, but in trying to make this complete, I thought about everything I’ve done in the past 24 hours and analyzed each motive. So: Why do I yell at my kids? There is absolutely no good motive for this (unless I’m fearing for their lives and they are too far away to hear me), and I’m not even sure what the motive is. Usually I’m angry when I yell. But is that a “motive”? (Or does it just show how dumb I am?).
I think if I can match good actions with good motives, I will be happy. And these motives are not always easily classifiable as good or bad. If I envy my sister who is always cheerful, that could inspire me to be more cheerful (sure, you might say I “admire” her, but really, if it’s going to make me actually change my life to be more like her, it has to be something stronger, like envy). If I have a moral belief that abortion is wrong and then do harm to anyone else in acting on that motive, that would be wrong. If I am angry that I feel flabby and that leads me to eat less brownies (anything’s possible, right?) that would be good.
Not to belabor this point, but I think hate is a motive which I hope I don’t have–but if I hated sin, that would be a good thing, right? Ok, if you think of any motives to add to this list, please let me know.
Now, to question my motives if I have a question of action, like … I don’t know…
Should I (Jane) seek to go on WIC?
Do I need more food/money than I have? maybe
Do I desire more food/money than I have? yes
Do I fear going on WIC? maybe
Would I love to be on WIC? no
Am I angry about WIC (about where the funds come from and how they’re administered)? yes
Do I envy WIC recipients? hmmm. I think so, a little bit.
Am I empathetic towards those who need to seek out WIC? yes
Do I have any experience with monthly assistance (from anyone besides family; obviously my parents supported me for about 20 years) to learn from? no
Would it be expedient for me to go on WIC? In the shortrun: yes. In the long run: probably not, because it would not fix my problem, which is having less income than expenses.
*yesterday my father asked me if I needed him to send me a set amount each month in lieu of WIC checks. it took me approximately 5 seconds to run through all that money over time in my mind and revert immediately to my present problem (less money than expenses).
Do I have moral beliefs in regards to WIC? hmmm. Do I? Do I think anyone other than me has a moral obligation to feed me? yes. I believe my husband has a moral obligation to provide for me and our children; in fact, if he were derelict in his duty (he is NOT), I would prosecute him in court.
Do I think my family or my fellow church members have a moral obligation to assist me in providing for me and my family? yes, I believe they are morally obligated to assist me after (if and when) I do all that I can. If they were unwilling to do this, would I be justified in taking from them anyway? no.
Do I think my fellow countrymen are morally obligated to assist me in providing for my family after I have done all I can, after my family and my church have assisted me, and if I still am in need? yes, I think they are morally obligated to me as Americans (and I would say that as humans we have this obligation to every other human). If they were unwilling to assist me, would I be justified in taking from them anyway? no.
So, that’s my rundown of my possible motives in this case. You already know the conclusion I came to a few months ago. After further ponderance on this issue, all I can say is thank goodness I listened to Dick at the time. I knew I married him for some reason…
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There is a point i’ve been wanting to make but I don’t know how to present it in the right way, so I have put it off. I’ll do it by telling you about my friends from India. I have several good friends from India. My best friend here in Iowa is from India.
In India most parents feel that they are obligated to support their children, not just until they are 18, but until they have finished getting all of the education that will enable them to be well established for life.
so they pay for their children’s schooling; for college, graduate school, and so forth. they let their children live with them for a long time, even if they are married and having children of their own. The parents feel it’s their responsibility to make sure their child is educated well enough to comfortably support him/herself. In turn as a child get finishes their masters or doctrate and lands a good job, they send money to their parents for the rest of the parents lives.
In america things work a bit differently. Most parents feel obligated to support their children in school, but only until a child gets marrried. after marriage, they are on their own. of course in the mormon community, the parents often hope and encourage their daughter to not work and to stay at home and to start having children right away, while the husband is in school. the kids have to live on student loans and often have to cut their education short because the husband has to go to work to support his ever growing family.
for some reason the parents of these young couples feel that their money is their own,and that now is their time to get that dream house, or that vacation they were hoping to take. they no longer feel obligated to help their young struggling student children.
as the children age, they are not expected to send any money to their parents. their parents are expected to provide for themselves, just as the children were when they were young and struggling in school.
My point here is that maybe we need to learn something from the Indians. Maybe we should feel an obligation to our children, especially when they are still in school and newly married and having children. And even if they got that bacherlor’s degree and are barely making ends meet. maybe we should encourage our son or son in law to go back to school to get a markatable masters or doctrate degree and offer to help support the growing young family.
maybe then our children will be more likely to take care of us in our old age instead of turning us over to a nursing home.
shannon, have you thought about your husband going back to school in something more markatable? have you asked your parents to help you do that, by either helping pay or school or your rent, or offering you a place in their home?
maybe the problem is that your husband didnt get all the education that he can to support your family. maybe going back to school would be more productive long term than getting WIC for the rest of your life or a 100 dollar check from your dad.
maybe you parents would we willing to give you fishing pole instead of a fish.
sylwia
Good post Shannon. It makes me think, how many of my actions are simply motivated by desire, rather than need or love for someone. For example, I like having a cell phone, but do I need one, no. Is the fact that I have a cell phone motivated by my love for someone, no. Maybe it is motivated by my love of convenience though. You could say, that going on WIC is motivated by your love for your children and being able to provide them with healthy food, rather than just because you would love to go on WIC. Even though I agree with the decision you made, if I had no other alternative, my love for my child would motivate me to accept gov assist. Of course I plan to make sure that I have absolutely no other alternatives before that day comes.
I agree Sylwia, our society has really drifted away from taking responsibility for our familes. I am very blessed to have parents who still want to take care of their kids, and do. Brad’s parents are not like that at all.
It is our goal to purchase a large piece of land here in NM and build earth shelter homes for our family and our parents. Brad wants to include his little brother too, but I’m not sure how I feel about that.
But that is our goal, and what we are working toward. We want to take care of our parents as they age. I want to see my dad fishing and my mom dancing at their leisure while we provide for them, that is my dream.
Marie
from all the comments you have made, I can see that you are a very good and nice person. shannon is lucky to have you as a friend……
sylwia
I was interested to know what my husband thought of Slywia’s comment. This is what he emailed me:
Wow. You should ask is she has ever read The Millionaire Next Door, where the authors conclude from studies that children of parents who help much after marriage are generally less successful financially than those who allow their children to struggle after marriage. While things might be different in India, I don’t think the difference originates with the parents helping the children as long as they do. It’s a different culture in a lot of aspects. Adopting that single trait will likely lead to a bunch (more, because there are already plenty) of grown children still dependant on their parents despite their good (and paid for) education. I agree that parents should help their children before the children should start using gov’t resources, but my primary thought is that by the age of 18 or whenever someone starts attending college, they need to understand how money works. If you don’t have the resources to go to college, stay home and save some money. If you don’t have the resources to get married, don’t. If you don’t have the resources to have children, don’t have them. What really irritates me is this feeling of “I deserve….” In the church we talk about managing your money and not going into debt. We teach that debt is okay for a reasonable house/first car/education. I don’t remember anyone ever saying that it was okay to go into debt to have children–again, if you can’t afford them don’t have them. People will respond, “but we are commanded to have children.” To this, I respond, “Yes, but you are also commanded to provide for your family, and ‘you’ providing for your family does not mean collecting money from the gov’t.”
And again, verily I say unto you, that every man who is obliged to provide for his own family, let him provide, and he shall in nowise lose his crown; and let him labor in the church. D&C 75:28
But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. (Timothy 5:8)
of course there are plenty of slacker children who would just get lazy and not work. i would not help any such child. shannon does not come across as such a child. i have good friends in med school whose father paid for almost all of it. they are the most thirfty people I know. never waste always save always buy second hand clothes, even though they are just finishing residency and make plenty of money………so some kids are worth it.
sylwia
I find it interesting how easy it is for us to spend other people’s money here in America. The idea is rampant that if someone is handing stuff our for free then we should take it.
Joseph F. Smith said, “The desire to get something of value for little or nothing is pernicious; and any proceeding that strengthens that desire is an effective aid to the gambling spirit, which has proved a veritable demon of destruction to thousands. Risking a dime in the hope of winning a dollar in any game of chance is a species of gambling.” (this is from Teachings of Presidents of the Church Lesson 42). Now before everyone gets all up in arms about this comment i agree with much of what has been said regarding getting support from Family, Church, City, State, Federal avenues because there is much less responsibility and accountability the further you get from Family and church. And for those who need it I think that it is fine for them to do it, but they should never be proud of it or brag about how much they are getting as a handout. Essentially the argument saying that we should provide for our parents in their old age if they provide for us now is a gamble – You’re buying your education of credit you hope to pay back later on in life to your parents. Loans i think are a much better way of obtaining funds than a simple hand out. My friend (who was getting financial aid for school) was very reluctant to go out to eat or buy nice things or whatever because he knew that with interest he would have to pay back his loans at close to $3 for every $1 he took out. A much higher degree of responsibility to that than simply spending some nameless faceless tax-payers money.
Awww thanks Sylwia!
“of course there are plenty of slacker children who would just get lazy and not work. ”
My sister is one of these. She has lived off my parents and the system for 15 years, she is the very reason why I have refused to accept money from my parents for so long. But there is a difference between the occasional LOAN to get out of a pickle and accepting regular (non-loan) sums of money over time, I think.
Some people don’t have family that can give them money though. I don’t know the extent to which the church helps its needy members, but for some people, in some situations, getting help from the government is the only option there is. But I think again, it’s one thing to get relief for a short period of time to get finances in order and make sure your family is safe, but to go on it for an extended or indefinite period of time for lack of industry is something else. And being a SAHM isn’t a reason to not contribute monetarily. I have done many things to contribute, like making box lunches for my husband’s co-workers, selling pumpkin rolls and other goodies during the holidays, and now Avon. This doesn’t generate large sums of money, but it’s a real help, and really isn’t that hard to do.
Marie,
i think you’re right about the diff. btw short-term help and extended, and also that being a SAHM doesn’t preclude contributing, though I have not been as good about this as you have. When I have done some freelance or (very) part-time work, I’ve more thought of that as “extra” money; so again, another way in which i need to readjust my thinking.
Brock,
i agree. and your analogy to gambling is very apt.
Shannon,
I think the ethical questions about taking a handout have been gone over thoroughly and wisely. I’d like to add that many of us (saints excluded) have developed and continue to carry camoflages motivations that confuse us and rob us of knowing what right action to take:
Seven Deadly Fears
of change
of intimacy
of conflict
of the unknown
of being a burden
of abandonment
of death
Seven Deadly Needs
to know
to be right
to get even
to look good
to judge
to keep score
to control
It’s hard to tell which fears and needs (or sins) bother us most, or not knowing we have them. That’s what friends, other intimates, and blogs I suppose, are for.
I’ve been a Christian forever, but never a Mormon. In my experience asking a priest or other spiritual expert how to handle a motivational problem just wouldn’t be appropriate. First I’d be really hard-pressed to formulate the problem, and no simple answer would do. In fact, the answer I’d expect would be to “pray about it.”
For example, I have this strong need to know things, and to be right, mainly so I’ll look good to others. Stupid pride, okay, but how do I deal with it? If I got rid of these needs, what conduct or thinking would replace it? How do I relate to others without that role? Basic change is just too hard and scary.
Another example: suppose I consider signing up for WIC. Will I still look good to those around me? I could keep it secret. But that would cut me off from those most able and willing to advise and help me. And so on into a tangle of what-ifs.
There is at least one answer to this mess, but I’ve gone on long enough for now
Love
Grampa
Grampa,
i think your lists of further motives are good ones. i was thinking today that without the gospel of Christ, i would probably have the same faults that i do now, i just might not recognize all of them (that i do recognize; i’m sure there are more that i won’t see until i somehow conquer these ones i do see). and somehow the gospel wants to not only show us our faults but teach us how to overcome them, right?
but, as you say, the answer IS often “pray about it.” which makes it seem also that there are a lot of personal answers. if we pray about our questions, we will get answers to our questions, i.e. not to other people’s questions that hopefully they will pray about for themselves. maybe it is that until we pray enough about things we can’t move on from that first basic step.
perhaps it isn’t appropriate to ask a priest which motive we should have about something, but, in a vacuum of motive, or if we were to suspect our motive of being wrong, we could ask a priest what the right action to take was, and then, as it says in John, “If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.” (KJV 7:17)
e.g., if i have the commandment to pay tithing, i could be motivated by fear (of fire as it says in Malachi) or desire for blessings, or pride (so others will know that i pay my tithing) or obedience, or love for the Lord, or a desire to support the work of the Lord. could a priest tell me which of these motives is the best (obviously the pride motive is wrong). maybe it’s not necessary to know the motive, as long as it is a good one? but the priest could tell me to just pay it for now, and maybe my understanding of the doctrine, and of my motive, will come later? but do i need to know which is the best motive? probably not, although i am commanded to become like Jesus, and he would have the best motives, right?
i guess it’s obvious that i don’t see the need to know as a bad thing, but i do hope to not be motivated in that quest by my desire to be seen by others to be “right.” (can we hope to be right and to know just for ourselves?)
as Mormons, we seek and expect personal revelation:
i don’t know how that goes with a different Christian tradition.
love,
Shannon