I read an article yesterday about a couple adopting a daughter from China. I’ll summarize here, but I encourage you to read the whole thing if you’re interested. A couple spent two years trying to conceive and then decided to adopt from China. The logistics took over a year to arrange, and when they arrived in China, it was to find that their prospective daughter, Natalie, had a two inch scar on her spine. They consulted doctors and were told that she had had a tumor removed at some point and that she had spina bifida: she would be paralyzed for life.
Apparently adoption applications give parents the opportunity to choose which disabilities they are capable of handling. Spina bifida had not been on this couple’s list. They were offered, by the adoption agency, a replacement baby. Because they felt that they would not have rejected a baby with these problems had she been born to them, they took Natalie home.
Natalie had a seizure their first day back in the States. When she was examined in the ER, the parents were told that Natalie also had an atrophic brain and would be mentally about the same as someone with Down Syndrome. The next day a neurosurgeon looking at the CT scan ordered an MRI and the parents asked him to look at her spine also.
Turns out, Natalie doesn’t have spina bifida, or an atrophied brain. She had had a tumor (and malnutrition and neglect), and would need some extra help, but she would probably be fine.
Natalie walked at 21 months, and laughs, dances and sings at age 3. I know another mother who didn’t tell her husband that her third child had Down Syndrome during her pregnancy because she knew he would encourage an abortion. (They obviously have other problems, but I can only admire her).
Today I found this blog through my blogroll. It’s written by a mother/family physician in Illinois who delivers babies. It’s super-interesting, and I am wondering why on earth my (otherwise wonderful) OB with Sally let/encouraged me to push lying down for over two hours so futilely.
I’ll just quote from one of her earliest posts:
At the moment of his birth, K reached for him and cried, and called out “Oh, I love you, I love you.” Her husband cried openly, and K’s mom who had been in the room, but hiding in the corner because she was overwhelmed, sobbed and hugged her daughter, the husband, and the baby. I can never take that much emotion at once – so I shed a few tears, too, and had to have the nurse wipe my eyes so I could see what I was doing.
Baby was very pink and healthy right from birth, very content, and hardly cried at all. He immediately started rooting and mouthing his hands, but this mama did not want to breastfeed because she just didn’t think she’d like it. After a few minutes of holding the baby, she passed him off to be rewrapped, and then didn’t want him back saying she wanted to rest while her husband and mom got to hold him.
When I called back tonight to check on everyone, she was just feeding him (a bottle) for the first time 9 hours post delivery because they’d had so many visitors she hadn’t had time yet.
I have a lot of mixed feelings when I attend a family like this. On the one hand, I am reminded at every birth how powerful the moment is. I feel so bonded to a woman receiving her baby into her hands for the first time, and crying from joy. The moment tends to be the same for so many women. And yet, I don’t understand how the focus then shifts to a social occasion, and a chance to receive gifts, while the star player’s most pressing needs are ignored. Having a baby is not just an opportunity to design a nursery and collect baby equipment. The baby doesn’t give one hoot over whether he has matching curtains, or that all 46 friends are called with his weight and length – his mother has previously been his entire world, and all he cares about is being with her.
It wears me out.
This made me feel ashamed because I think I kind of ignored Spot today. She is so undemanding that she makes this possible — my other kids start misbehaving to get my attention. And Sally knows how to turn off my computer monitor if I’m really in the zone. But Spot, she just keeps playing/sitting happily. So I think I only nursed her 4-5 times today, instead of 6-7. Dickorrow will be better, I promise!
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Don’t be ashamed – I’ve seen pictures of that kid and she could miss a session or 2. J/K. You are a great mom, don’t forget I’ve seen you in action a lot. Lucy is very sweet and content and I am convinced the Lord gives you one like that every once in a while so that we can meet the needs of the more demanding ones. Although I’m not quite convinced the Lord wants me to ignore my kids to spend my time blogging – although I am still looking for some scriptures on that.
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Wow, that quote is so sad. I enjoy kicking people out of my hospital room to nurse. And it’s not like you need privacy in order to bottlefeed. Last time in the hospital I was so tired and we had family over and I just let my eyes close so they could get the hint and git outta there. Probably should have been more direct.
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I agree that quote is quite sad. But really I kicked everyone out all 4 times, my family still picks on me for it. But I totally needed space and I just wanted to be with the kids. Now a days though I have 2 running around here watching Dora and playing while coughing up a storm and what is their mommy doing, writing people online rough drafting her blog for today and has 3 im windows open OMG what the heck is she doing lol. Just think they wont think of all the times your head was at the computer they will think of the moments you held them, the moments you kissed their boo boos and the moments of I love you’s.
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I agree with what the writer is saying in that quote, but I don’t think that correlates with your situation, Shannon. She’s talking about someone being more concerned with having cute birth announcements than actually spending time with their child.
Trying to divide your time between three kids isn’t the same thing.
When I had Jessssamine I cried to my mom that I felt so horrible when I had to let Jessamine cry to do something with Max or leave Max hanging while Jessamine had a nurse-a-thon. I didn’t want to give Max less attention than he was used to, but I also wanted to be able to give Jessamine th kind of attention I had always given Max. Keep in mind that I myself am the youngest of three. My mom said, “Marie, do you think you got the same attention Jason did? Do you think you ever knew the difference?” On the contrary I always felt I was the favorite.
However, I think the writer mis-read what happened in that birthing room. It makes me wonder if that Dr. has ever had any babies herself, or has only the power of observation. Before having kids I thought I would just want to stare at the babies forever and be in ecstasy over them after their births. But that is really hard work! And Max’s birth was so difficult, I was grateful to be able to hand him off to Brad so I could finally sleep, after 3 days of not a wink! And after Jessamine was born, the midwife was happy to tuck her into bed with Max and Brad (her very first co-sleeping experience was without me!) so I could have a few hours to sleep and recover. I don’t see this as being neglectful or irreverant of the experience. The mother isn’t the only one that belongs to the baby, he /she is a unique, independent being that wants acquaintance with his / her world. I’d like to just clutch my children to my bosom at all times, but that would be unrealistic and wouldn’t be doing them any favors.
I think it’s great how things turned out with the little girl that was adopted. It’s a pet peeve of mine that people adopt kids from other countries when there are many kids here waiting to be adopted, but from what I understand it’s actually cheaper to adopt from other countries and there is less red tape. So I wonder if the problem lies not with people wanting a more exotic child or the bragging rights of adopting from elsewhere, which is the impression this practise often gives, but with the over-governance of such things here.
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shannon
from reading your blog for some time now, i sense that you may have an unhealthy amount of guilt. Or it may be that you are just looking for a lot of positive reinforcement that you are a good mom. And that’s ok.
In my opionion, any one who feeds and cleans and protects a child everyday is well on their way of being a good mom. there are a few more things necessary to be a very good mom. these things inlcude love, hugging and kissing our children and telling them that we love them. Also it includes teaching our children right from wrong so they will know how to act. Reading to children or teaching them how to read is also essential so they will be literate. Being a good example and having a good marriage are icing on the cake.
if someone does these things they are a great mom and should have no room for guilt. It doesn’t matter how many times a day you breastfeed. I think that’s ridiculus to evaluate oneself like that.
As for the woman in the hospital, I was the same way. I do not feel an instant bond when my baby is born. I don’t want to hold the baby. I’m tired and sore and grateful that I have a husband who does the holding and the changing of diapers, and the bathing. I breast feed because I know it’s healthier but I don’t enjoy it and with my first and second baby I hated every minute of it, and yes my husband did bottle feed them, and I breastfed when I could stand it. My bond with my baby comes a month or two after I have been taking care of them.
in spite of all these things i think I’m a great mom. My talents are with older children. I’m not too fond of the baby stage. I have no guilt because of my talents. i do what I can and I make sure my husband does the rest.
i also am not appaled when other mom’s dont do things the way i do as long as they do the essentials. they have talents that I don’t have…..
sylwia
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Sylwia, I am the same way. I didn’t feel that instant wave of overpowering love I thought I was supposed to feel, it took several weeks to bond with my babies. And I don’t enjoy breastfeeding at all, I’d really rather not do it at all, I do it because it’s healthiest for them. When I read that bit about the woman crying about how much love she was feeling and everyone bawling over the whole bit, I definitely felt some guilt because it wasn’t that way for me at all. To tell the truth when I read something like that it seems melodramatic and unrealistic to me, but I tend to be emotionally distant.
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Oh, I am feeling that “bad-mommy” worry today. Somehow I forgot that the email from Cora’s dance teacher said today’s rehearsal was at the church where Saturday’s performance is going to be. I assumed it was at the dance school up the street from us, so I put the kids in the stroller and walked up there, but no one was there (of course not).
And on the way there, poor Cora was telling me how worried she is about the show, because she doesn’t remember all of the routine (why would she? I have brought her to class late or missed it entirely many times)…
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To respond to Marie’s comment; “It?s a pet peeve of mine that people adopt kids from other countries when there are many kids here waiting to be adopted, but from what I understand it?s actually cheaper to adopt from other countries and there is less red tape. So I wonder if the problem lies not with people wanting a more exotic child or the bragging rights of adopting from elsewhere, which is the impression this practice often gives, but with the over-governance of such things here.”
In responding to your pet peeve: You are right that there are many kids in the United States that need to be adopted, but for many first time parents wanting to go through “normal” life stages and raise a child from birth, it is nearly impossible to get a baby, or even a toddler. Majority of the kinds that need to be adopted that you are referring to are older children in foster care. Check out http://www.adoptuskids.com, this is a website that has all of the foster children that are available for adoption in the United States. There are a few children younger than four, but most that are younger than four, have severe physical or mental disabilities that most new moms are not ready to take on.
It is the most difficult thing to find out that you cannot have a baby. The disappointment you feel in yourself, and that you cannot provide your husband with a biological baby is very hard to deal with. It took me years to accept that I could not have a child, but my infertility does not mean that I deserve anything less in a child than any other woman wanting a baby. So should I settle to adopt a four year old child with psychological issues due to past abuse because she needs to be adopted in the US? Or should I adopt from a foreign country where I can be sure that the birthmother will not take back the child it took years for me to get? In the US there is the risk of the birthmother wanting the baby back in the given waiting period. I had my son for almost two weeks before his birthmothers rights were terminated in court. At any time in that two weeks, she could have taken him without problems. This is a fear that many people cannot face.
Of course there are private adoption agencies in the U.S. that could provide a baby. These adoptions usually cost about the same as foreign adoptions, despite travel expenses. The wait to receive a newborn is sometimes years as the demand is so high. For many people, international adoption is much safer in emotional ways. While in the US, you can either pick a child out of the foster care system, or wait for years until you are picked by an adoption agency (most adoptive parents are hand chosen by the birth mother), if you are picked at all. International adoptions, you are guaranteed a child, and you are given a timeframe of when you will get one. For many, after going through years of infertility and waiting and disappointment, so the last thing you want is to wait more.
So, I think that my point really is that while there are kids here that need adoption, there are also many couples that need to go through the normal stages in life, marriage, baby, toddler, etc, not jump right to pre-teen. It shouldn’t bother you that people choose to adopt internationally as each couple has their own needs and reasons. It bothers me when people criticize others decisions not knowing the feelings and emotions behind them. May I ask, why did you decide to have a baby – through pregnancy, when there are so many children in the United States that need homes?
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Hi Ladies,
i really enjoyed all your comments. just a couple of responses, and then i’ve got a new post (thanks to Cousin Sylwia’s insight) out of this.
Tara–yes, Lucy is the chubber-baby. i am not concerned about malnutrition AT ALL.
Marcy–like you need privacy in order to breastfeed.
Cassie–i’ve never IM’d three people at once. that’s awesome!
Marie–i totally agree that if things aren’t all hugs and kisses it doesn’t mean that our bonding or mothering is wrong; esp after a hard delivery, of course we need rest!!! i am happy when i’m in a hospital that doesn’t force “rooming-in.” bring the kid into eat, and then let me rest up before i go home!!
about the FPMama’s blog: this is just one of many of her posts. she is a mother of at least two kids. it’s probably not very representative of her outlook for me to just quote her. i’ll be checking out her site more and might add her to my blogroll. i did link to her in the post if you’re interested. if she is all birth stories, that might get old, but i haven’t been on there long enough to know.
Sylwia–dude!! i think you can’t tell when i’m being ironical/humorous, or maybe i’m just not funny at all. the two stories i relayed were quite serious, but i’m not really concerned about Lucy. that part was meant to be at least a bit funny. but there’s enough for me to think about with this to write an entire post. stay tuned.
Marie & Sylwia–i admire you ladies so much for breastfeeding when you don’t enjoy it. good for you!! your children will thank you someday.
Gladis–you are so not a bad-mommy. Cora is lucky to have dance classes at all and to have a mother that tries as hard as you do. maybe you guys can arrive a bit early on saturday or something and she can ask her teacher any specific questions she has, and maybe she can practice in your living room in the meantime? in any case, i think you have the power to talk her into thinking it is a good experience overall, and that’s what matters. oh, and tell her to smile. all the dancing perfection in the world is wasted if the dancer is not smiling. (at least at this age.)
Danielle–you are the only adoptive mother i really know. i appreciate the perspective you bring to our discussions. thanks for the information on adoptions. i confess that when we brought Avery home from the hospital, i remember thinking to myself that if she had been adopted, i would have taken her back and said, “I change my mind; this isn’t what i thought it would be like,” because it was so hard taking care of a newborn for the first time. that’s probably why this adoption story i summarized touched me so strongly.
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Danielle- Obviously many people adopt from other countries for good reasons. My friend Heidi adopted a child from India, because her husband was himself adopted from India. For them it was a way of contuinuing his heritage.
I chose to have a baby because I wanted a baby,and don’t personally have any fertility issues, I’m very lucky. I did want to adopt as well, and also wanted to be a foster parent. I grew up with neigbhors that were foster parents and they really influenced me in that desire. I always saw myself with a big brood of adopted / foster kids of all different colors. But my husband is opposed to it.
From what I have read (Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf), there are many babies available for adoption that are black or hispanic, but the demand is specifically for white babies so most of these others end up raised in foster care. I definitely have heard about the issues of the rights of birth mothers, but those vary by state. According to what I have heard the best state for infant adoption is Texas, there the birth mother’s right expire after 48 hours if I remember correctly. But I’m no expert, I have a friend who was adopted and friends who are adoptive parents and what I know is based mainly on what I have read in books or the media and what I have been told by these friends.
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Marie – Sorry that your husband is not as open to adoption as you are. Maybe with time he will be. You are very lucky that you can have kids on your own!
As far as the babies that are available for adoption that are black or hispanic, I would like to ask Naomi Wolf, where are they? They are not in the foster care system available for adoption. My husband and I would adopt tomorrow if there was a black or hispanic baby available for adoption. This is more of a myth that there are so many minority babies available for adoption. Any adoption agency that you go through charges the same for a black newborn as a white newborn. Even if you check out the http://www.adoptuskids.com (the foster care adoption website) many of those children are white as well and there are almost no babies of any race.
I worked for the Department of Children and Families in Florida with the foster care system and now am working on my degree to become an adoption social worker. I have spent hundreds of hours speaking with adoption agencies and foster care contacts in the last five years, and beleive me, if there was a baby out there I would adopt it. So honestly, if you hear of any of these babies, let me know because we definately want more children and would take any opportunity to adopt a baby no matter what race.
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