Why is it harder for me to get through a book, no matter how riveting, if I’m not so eager to see how it will turn out?
I’ve still got about a third to go of Perfect Madness, but I’ve come across, what, for me, is probably where Judith Warner goes wrong. She says:
I’ve found that the reasons that stay-at-home moms stay home are not all that different [from the reasons why working moms work], in that, at base, they spring both from a psychological need for self-fulfillment and an effort to meet the material needs of their families. (And not, as many commentators would have us think, from a moralistic idea of what was the “right thing to do.”) p. 146-47
Wrong. Nothing less than absolute conviction that this is where God wants me to be and what He wants me to be doing could keep me here growing my patience and sacrificing some of my needs to the needs of my children. I am not, and will never be, a perfect mother, but I mother the way I do because I believe it is the right thing to do. Potty-training and laundry and dishes and toilets and kitchen floors and homework just aren’t worth it. Children are.
Why do you stay at home?
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I am way too busy to work full-time. I do work some, but only b/c one of us has to bring in some $ besides loans. I love having my options open and being able to be w/ my baby. I hadn’t thought that a true God-fearing mom would sacrifice to stay at home. I don’t have much conviction I guess.
I want Dylan to have his parents being the main people raising him, not babysitters and friends and family and teachers. I want him to have lots of exposure to all of those people, but I’m selfish – that’s why I (wish I could) stay at home (more).
The obvious answer for me is the same as Shannon’s: I know this is where God wants me to be. The easy answer for me is one I’m grateful for: my mom did it and I grew up seeing that it was wonderful for us children!
At the beginning I stayed at home because I was supposed to. Now I stay at home because I like staying at home. I take breaks whenever I want to. I also don’t have to deal with crancky people at work who I don’t care about or who don’t care about me. At home I love everyone and everyone loves me (until they are teenagers, but I’m not there yet). I also don’t have any deadlines or other people’s demands. Of course children have needs and demands but I am the ultimate boss who decides what gets done and and who gets what and how many naps I get to take. How many naps can you take at work?
A happy home is much less stressful than the best job. I am loved unconditionally. I am here to stay even if I don’t perform well. I also like going to parks when there is nice weather, having friends over anytime, not rushing and not having to work late. The dishes can wait till tomorrow or at least until Josh gets home and does them.
I don’t see what’s so applealing about work. Men have to work to provide and because it’s a commandment to them. If my husband died, I wouldn’t go to work while my kids are little. I would go on welfare.
That brings me to my last point about why I don’t work. It is becasue I don’t trust other people to watch my children for that long. They would probably let my kids watch TV and eat mac and cheese. I don’t do that. I feed my kids a couple of salads everyday and we dont’ have a TV(on purpose).
Living on welfare would be worth it to make sure my kids are raised they way I want them to be. Afterall we live on wefare while Josh is in med school for that very reason. Sorry to shock all of you conservative Utah Mormons. Now you must think I’m evil. But I’m not evil, I’m just a socialist! Or a person who likes social programs. Sorry to open this can of worms, Shannon.
sylwia
I wanted to be a SAHM because (1) my mom was (2) seemed like it would be a more fulfilling way to live than being in a career (3) I was incredibly stressed out and a nervous wreck from an extremely stressful job I had finally gotten the nerve to quit. I couldn’t even face the thought of working a “job job” ever again.
But the idea I had of what it would be like was totally wrong. It’s extremely stressful, actually more stressful than being a career woman… because making a mistake at a “job” isn’t nearly as bad as screwing up a kid’s life forever by being a bad parent. I was looking to escape stress and instead found a mountain of it. I fantasize now about being a “working mom,” and escaping from the tantrums, the demands, the cartoons… But I know I’d just be coming home to it. Once you become a parent there’s no going back. What I can look forward to is the kids growing through these phases, but from what I hear from other parents, in conjunction with jovial albows in the ribs, is that the next phases are worse. Thanks people. Really.
Marie
marie
I don’t know who you are, but I’m guessing that you have two or tree very small children. There have been days that i felt like you do. But there are solutions to that stress. One, throw out the cartoons. for a couple of weeks the kids won’t know what to do, but soon they will figure it out and it will be more peaceful. second, if there is a tantrum you just lock a kid in their room unti they are quiet for a least 5 min. then it’s breaktime for you. so enjoy the tantrums. it’s just means a break for you. I highly recommend a course and a book called Paretning with Love and Logic. Oh, and you might have to turn the lock around on your kids’ room. you have to be able to lock it from the outside not the inside. there are ways to enjoy being a mom. try the book and let me know what you think.
sylwia
Marie
and by the way, you won’t mess up a kid for life by a mistake that you make. God did not design parenting or life this way. one mistake or even 1000 does not mess people up. and there is a Savior for our mistakes. Just love your kids and teach them about Him and they will be just fine………
sylwia
Hi Marie,
good to hear from you! we’ve missed you at the st pete mommies things. how’s new mexico going for you guys?
I appreciate your honesty; being a stay-at-home mom is a lot harder for me, too, than i ever thought it would be. when i had my first, i had a great, non-stressful (also, not super-fulfilling either, but wonderful camaraderie with my immediate colleagues) job and was able to continue part-time (ish–they were very supportive) while my husband got his masters degree (he was home during the day).
i don’t think we ever discussed religion, so I don’t know if part of your decision to be a stay-at-home mom is religiously motivated or not. it is, obviously, for me, but that, unfortunately, doesn’t make it all sweetness and light.
it sounds like your kids (and you) are going through a particularly tough phase right now. one thing that can/does get better is when they’re old enough to go to school!
and we know that parents can mess up their kids sometimes; but i think it’s usually not the ones who are worried about it.
Sylwia,
i agree with what you write as goals for motherhood. and i do enjoy many aspects of it. i refuse to feel guilty, though, for not enjoying every stinky diaper.
thanks for the book recommendation. i’ll check it out! oh, and i am all for the timeout, tough love approach. except, sometimes, i lock myself in the bathroom with a book.
I was talking to my husband about this post and he made the comment that the author might not be too far off. Let me explain…
He said that for us (and probably most SAHM) we decide to stay home based on a moral belief. He said perhaps working mothers feel the same. There are, I am sure, mothers that work for selfish reasons. I am also sure there are mothers that stay at home not because they believe that is where they should be but rather, they just don’t want to have a career.
As he was talking I was reminded of a heated discussion I had with a roommate in college that I love dearly but totally disagree with (Marcy, you might know who I am talking about and remember the conversation). She said she didn’t believe God wanted all moms to stay home with her children. She said she thought God could tell a women, “You can have a greater influence on the world by having a career.” I disagree.
I made a comment awhile back about how my mom is working outside the home now because my father is disabled and can’t work. Obviously, there are situations where women need/should work outside the home. However, I think the line between what we need/want is pretty shady. I hope to not have to make a decision about going to work based on finances but if I do, I think it will take a lot of serious thought and prayer about whether it is to obtain something I need or something I want. Is my husband unable to support us, or do I want a nicer house (that I won’t be able to enjoy anyway because I won’t ever be home)?
Anyway, this is not the situation my roommate was talking about. She was talking about working outside the home based on a moral belief that God wanted her to influence the world through her career rather than staying home with her children.
So, to end my lengthy comment, maybe the author isn’t too far off after all. While I disagree with her, my roommate obviously doesn’t. Maybe a lot of working mothers work out of a moral belief that they should be there.
This is now her husband. She asked me to read what she wrote, and I am going to comment that I must not have explained myself clearly. What I was saying was that just because our experiences (my wife and mine) with other people have generally led us to believe that a SAHM stays at home because she feels it is what God would have her do, I would not be surprised if our experience does not reflect the majority of people’s feelings in our country. Most of the families we interact with enough to understand their motives belong to our faith. I imagine that there are a great many women who stay home (and go to work), as the author said, out of a need of self fulfillment–with much less concern which is the “right” path to take.
Adrianne,
I don’t remember that conversation with ?Carolina? I didn’t know that’s why she works. I’ve always wondered; I remember her saying that her husband would probably stay home with the kids when they decided to have kids.
I do think staying at home comes a lot easier to some than others. Like what I wrote before, it was really easy for me to stay home because I grew up seeing my mom do it and knowing that I would do it to–at almost any cost. Carolina comes from a family with divorced parents, so her mom probably had to work. Not to mention that Carolina does have a lot to offer to the world, given her brilliant mind and international background and language skills, etc. (For instance, I think her skills would be more missed in the career world than mine.) But many women have wonderful job qualifications. I wonder if having a baby will change Carolina’s perspective on what is most important–where it is most important for her to give her talents and time.
One thing I think worth asking is how much education should a SAHM get? I got my bachelor’s degree. I knew that for me I needed to at least get that before I had a baby. But I did cut my degree short, cutting out the teaching part of it so I could graduate earlier and start having a family. Should I have gotten that teaching certificate “just in case?” Questions regarding education are a little more tricky, I think. The prophet says to get as much as we can. If I had worked toward a more marketable degree than my Humanities major would I feel cheated if I knew I needed to start a family rather than explore the career that I’d worked toward? Or if I decided to pursue a career–or teach a few years after the work of getting the teaching certificate and lesson plans in place–when would I feel that the career should end and the family start?
Well, like I said, the answers were easy for me–I yearned to start my family. And maybe answers aren’t all that hard because we can always ask the Lord to guide each decision we make. What do you all think?
It is funny, my last comment, because I totally read the quote wrong….even though I read it like three times. But, I still agree with her. I stay at home not just because I think God wants me here but because I get a lot of self-fulfillment from staying home with my boys! I love being home with them! I have experienced both the career world and being a SAHM and I would take the SAHM anytime. I remember thinking when I worked, “I am really good at my job, but this isn’t where I belong.”
Marcy, I agree that Carolina is brilliant. However, there are a lot of brilliant women in the world. I believe that women can suceed and be awesome in the working world but it isn’t where they belong. I know a lot of people disagree with me, but I firmly believe it.
About education, I 100% believe all women should receive an education (and finish their degrees) or get a skill of some kind. I come from a very different background than you do. My mom is working now out of necessity and didn’t finish her degree (even though she wanted to, but quit to put my dad through school). She has no way of doing better in her field because she lacks that degree. I am the only girl in my family to get her degree but all my sisters got some skill that would allow them to provide for their families if they needed to.
Anyway, I have a whole blog (besides my family one) devoted to my opinonated feelings on families so I better stop taking all the room on Shannon’s blog and write on my own.
I would never say that a woman should be working instead of being with her kids. I just wanted to clarify that. No matter how brilliant she is.
Because, like was discussed earlier on this blog, brilliance is needed at home with children
Where art thou, Shannon? You blog like crazy some days and not others!
Anyway, I guess I’ll comment again. The problem with teaching degrees–and nursing degrees, and lots of other types of marketable degrees–is that you have to keep working on them to keep them updated–put in so many hours in the classroom, in the hospital, etc, right? While home with children it’s hard to keep those current. What if my marketable degree were obsolete when I “needed” it later on?
Are we really encouraged to get an education in order to get a good job if we needed one to support our family OR in order to be the best teachers to our children? Probably both, but I think the second reason is even more important than the “what if.”
I have a safety net. We have good life insurance so I wouldn’t have to get a job and leave my kids if my husband died.
Duh, I should have written “Sister, where art thou?”
Life insurance is great unless your husband doesn’t die but becomes disabled to the point where he can’t work. And then, unless you have really good disablity insurance, you still have to get a job. My parents are an example.
Hi Marcy,
we went to the zoo today. but i did post later. and i have lots more to say on this subject, but i’m trying to finish that darn book before i say it ALL.
one thing about those “marketable” degrees you mention–why are they both the traditional women jobs–just because that’s what you thought of first? JW (the book i’m reading) talks about how women choose jobs that can be fit into a “Mommy Track.”
Adrianne,
i’ve enjoyed reading what you and your husband thought of that quote. in reading this book, i’m interested not only in what she says, but why…that is what agenda she is pushing in saying what she does. but it’s late, and i’ve gotta finish the darn thing before i just let loose, baby. hopefully tomorrow…
Adrianne, I talked to Adam about disability insurance. You’re right, that’s a possibility that I’ve never quite considered before. I’ve always seen your mom as such a strong person and I’m glad that she can provide for your family and I know she’s a great mom too. I guess I just feel inadequate sometimes because I don’t have a marketable degree.
Shannon, I didn’t realize I mentioned two traditional women jobs. I know why I did though. I always thought I’d be a teacher, and then since having kids I’ve thought if I went back to school I’d like to be a nurse. I’ve just never been interested in the doctor, lawyer, engineer idea.
We were going to go to the zoo today but the high was supposed to be 52 degrees with wind and occasional rain–not worth it, especially with an infant!
Marcy, I understand about the degree. I used to think that about mine until I graduated and was surprised at all the options available to me in my major. But regardless, I think just having a degree would help someone have a leg up.
I stay at home for a couple reasons. First, I want to be home with my children. I know this is where the Lord wants me to be, and I want to be here too. Although it seems there are many others who could raise these two boys better than me, I have to believe they were sent to me for a reason and I am the best person to be with them every day. They need their own mother at home to love, teach, enjoy, and even discipline them. Even though it is often hard for me, I would rather be home with two crazy monkeys than anywhere else. Second, I am lazy and hate working. Even if I didn?t have kids I?d stay home if possible. Way more time to work on my favorite hobbies: reading, shopping, cooking, and most recently, blogging. I have a college degree; I supported my husband through his schooling and could support my family again if needed. But we do have life insurance and disability insurance. At this stage in life we can?t really afford enough of either of those to set us up for the rest of my life but they would give us plenty of time to figure things out. And Aaron and I both agree that if one of us were to die we would want the other to remarry so our sons could grow up with a mother and father who love them and will teach them the gospel. (We?re discussing the living will thing right now and who we?d leave our kids to, any takers?) I guess I?ll just marry someone rich if I lose the love of my life and then I still won?t have to work!