Parenting: Instinctive or Examined?

Thoreau wrote: “The unexamined life is not worth living.” I would add that the unexamined method of parenting is not worth practicing. When I had my first child 6 1/2 years ago, I spent a lot of time reading, talking and observing to ensure that I was being the best mom I could; I’ve been a little guilty, since then, of complacency. My first child turned out well (so far…), so obviously I knew what I was doing, and my second and third children have benefitted (?) from my experience.

In an attempt to re-engage with some of these baby and child-rearing issues, I’ve recently met with (online mostly) proponents of Attachment Parenting (AP), Alternative Parenting (AP!) and the Natural Family Lifestyle (NFL).

I’m in complete agreement with many of the AP practices, and in sympathy with many of the AP! and NFL practices. But sometimes I differ in thought and practice, and this has lead me into a couple of heated discussions. I respect those who make informed, reasoned choices about what they do. It is always good to examine why we do what we do, but, too often, the final argument for some of the proponents of AP, etc, is that “‘x’ practice is ‘instinctive’ or ‘natural’ (or some other variant).”

I think this is a poor rationale, because (1) if applied broadly to the human experience, it would embrace behaviors that I consider undesirable, and (2) “instinct” is at once universal and highly personal. What is “instinctive” to me might not be to another, so how do we decide whose instinct is more innate (not to mention better)?

Perhaps we could end the discussion here and say that, if mothers have different instincts about raising children, that’s great, they are also different people with different children, and so each should follow her instincts and everything will be rosy. That might ruin the livelihoods of a whole industry of parenting experts though.

In the hope of keeping all the mommy wars alive, here is my argument against “instinct” as the final arbiter of what’s best for baby.

Some things that are instinctive in humans:

a) eating, b) sleeping c) eliminating (I’ll use the EC term because it is nice and genteel), d) fighting for territory/resources, e) mating, f) dying. (I thought about adding taxing, but I’m not positive that there haven’t been societies where this was evaded).

All of these things are better when informed by experience and wisdom, but let’s look at just two:

d) fighting for territory/resources. I could point to literature (Lord of the Flies), pop culture (LOST), children (the playground), current events (the war in Iraq/conflicts in Africa), history (uh, …just about all of it). I think it would be better if we could overcome this instinct towards greed and instead share, like the people in the City of Enoch in the Old Testament.

e) mating. The instinct to be sexually active is well documented–just look at our politicians. When children hit puberty they become sexually curious and have the instinct to experiment. Some follow this instinct; some of those who do become pregnant or contract STDs. Some children are taught to curb this instinct. I think it would be better if everyone practiced abstinence or fidelity. Here, the instinct itself is not bad, but it does need to be tempered by knowledge and principle.

The two practices of AP that I think benefit from a helping of experience and wisdom are breastfeeding and co-sleeping. I love the first and can’t stand the second. Both are better off if their sole reason for being promoted is not “instinct.”

Of course, breastfeeding is instinctive. It’s actually biological. The milk comes in, around 2-5 days after birth and fills the breasts until they’re full to bursting. Baby provides relief from this nearly painful sensation by latching on and drinking her fill; ahhhhhhhh. Breastfeeding is also confusing and difficult, AT FIRST.

I wish someone had told me, “you know, it would really help if you educated yourself about breastfeeding; there are books to read, videos to watch, lactation consultants to consult.” Instead, people told me, and I thought, “breastfeeding is instinctive.” When I left the hospital three days after a difficult labor with my 2-week-overdue, 9 lb 3 oz baby, I had not yet accomplished a feeding on my own (nurses kindly came in and assisted).

I was filled with anxiety–the well-being (even life) of this tiny person was entrusted to me. I was practically alone in a large city (NYC) and my husband, while well-intentioned, is/was pretty clueless. If I had not felt so strongly about breastfeeding (maybe that’s where my instincts were working), and if I hadn’t had internet access to La Leche’s site and my mother (who breastfed 5 kids) to call, I might not have persevered.

I kept a chart detailing every feeding and every diaper change. At Sally’s 10 day check-up (I was too nervous to wait 2 weeks) she weighed 10 lb 14 oz. I was a good mom, and I tucked the chart into her baby book so she would always know how much I cared that she thrived.

If we tell mothers that they should breastfeed because it is instinctive, and then they have problems and feel their own instincts telling them to panic and run out and get formula, which you can measure and watch going into the baby’s mouth, how can we say they are making a mistake? The scientific evidence on the benefits of breastfeeding are a better, or, at least, a necessary complement, to the instinct argument.

Co-sleeping (or, as Dr. Sears says, “Bedding close to baby”) is not instinctive to me at all. Maybe someone could educate me about the benefits to mother and baby of co-sleeping (but I think this would involve some sort of training, and most co-sleeping advocates are unequivocally against sleep-training). That 9 lb 3 oz baby I brought home snurgled in her crib in our bedroom. I heard each and every snurgle. And when she stopped, I shot upright, certain she had stopped breathing as well (she hadn’t; at least not the 29 times she did this that night). We moved her crib the next day.

She slept 5 hours straight at night those first nights, and by six weeks, she slept for 8 hours, almost without exception (and I slept, too). My second child was a little different (slept for shorter periods at later ages), and my third different again. I do nap/nurse with my babies sometimes, and have brought each into my bed for the first feeding of the day; it is a lovely snuggling time, but the quality and quantity of sleep for both of us at those times is seriously compromised.

I love Dr. Marc Weisbluth’s book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Not only does he say (at least I think he would agree) that my instincts are okay to follow, he makes sense to me! He tells me I need to make sure my baby’s naps are a priority (rather than running around with my life), and that’s tough love at times. Dr. Weisbluth talks about the importance of uninterrupted sleep, and my kids have always been a little ahead in how uninterrupted their sleep is.

So, nutrition and rest. I want my kids to have the best of each, and, for me and my kids, that is breast and a bed of her own. My instincts tell me that. So do my research, experience and whatever wisdom I can claim.

Other moms, with their own unique blend of instinct, research, experience and wisdom, may/will find that other practices are best for them. I just don’t want to be automatically banned from the AP club (who doesn’t want to be “attached” to their kids?) solely because co-sleeping is not for me. At least tell me it’s because I stink at crochet or something.