So, I have this friend named Rixa, well, I’m not sure she is really still my friend, and we never were really that close, although I do remember going to a coed kickboxing class when the four of us were newly-married, at the Smith Fieldhouse at BYU. And then there was the time they slept on our floor when we lived in the Bronx. Eric, Rixa’s husband, was interviewing for grad school, I think.
Anyway, they’re super-cool and super-interesting, intelligent and incisive people (see why I hesitate to claim a friendship?–these people work in France every summer, for crying out loud). Before Christmas last year, I spent some time googling people I wanted to send a card too, and Rixa & Eric were easily found (If I might boast, we did receive a reciprocal card).
Eric is teaching and writing (did I mention Dick sold out to the technical communication world 3 years ago?) and Rixa is now a PhD candidate in American Studies (did I mention I dropped out of the MA program I was in in Cairo and have since spent way too much time reading trashy novels?).
One thing I do know is a bit about raising kids, at least to the ripe old age of 6 1/2. Now, I admit that we eat at Chick-fil-A twice a month and Sally says that she hates me sometimes, and Susan is addicted to Elmo’s Potty Time (more on that later), and Spot is (still!) not crawling or sitting yet. But we’re all here, aren’t we?
For the past couple of months I’ve been furtively (lurkatively?) reading Rixa’s blog: The True Face of Birth: Raw, Powerful, Ecstatic. Rixa’s dissertation is on UC (unassisted childbirth) and, despite Dick’s feeling that the recent unassisted birth of Zari (2 1/2 weeks after Spot) was an academically-motivated gimmick, I find her views completely compelling.
I’m even thinking of not having an epidural next time (gasp!). On the one hand I want to cheer, tears streaming down my face: Go Rixa! Suck the marrow out of life (for me). And on the other, I want to run screaming to the nearest staph-ridden maternity ward.
But I digress. I’ll add Rixa’s blog to my blogroll, and encourage all women to at least give her views some thought. It can’t hurt to think more deeply and more critically about our assumptions. Mothers of boys (you know who you are), I wish, I wish I could have expressed my reservations on circumcision to you as eloquently as Rixa does. And all her advocacy of breastfeeding is spot-on (but she is on notice; if I see any hint of nursing past age 2, I warn you…).
There are, however, two points (so far) on which I feel like banging my head against the wall (which seems to me about as productive as the practices in question). The first is EC. I had to google “EC” with “parenting” to find out what it is. It’s Elimination Communication. It’s where you “pee” or “potty” a baby (starting as early as one week basically) over a receptacle and thus… Actually, I’m not sure what the ultimate goal is–fewer diaper changes, earlier potty-training, environmental less-impacting-ness, cleanliness-in-pottyness-is-next-to-godliness, ?
I looked on a few message boards, and the most intriguing thread to me was written by parents who were disenchanted with ECing because, as one parent feared, the practice had convinced her 3 1/2-year-old son that his mother was responsible for his Es. That is, he felt no need to get to a potty when he had to go; he waited for his mother to take him to the place and make the right sound, which led to many accidents. Other parents concurred with their own experiences.
The other practice is co-sleeping. I think I’ve made my feelings on that pretty well known. These two practices intersect in Rixa’s latest post (actually, in her comment responding to my comment–in which I blame co-sleeping for…well, everything up to and including the apocalypse).
Rixa thinks her daughter’s recent relapse into waking every hour during the night is due not to the co-sleeping but to her needing to be “peed” in the early hours of the morning. That’s right, this 5 1/2-month-old baby can’t get back to sleep at night until Mom takes her over to the potty and makes the noise and lets the baby relieve herself.
Apparently, it is more important to control a baby’s elimination than to allow her to get a good night’s sleep. I find it odd that this extremely regimented form of potty-training would be desirable and yet sleep-training is anathema. I understand that co-sleeping may be filling an emotional need in both mother and child (though I don’t know how to prove it either way with regards to the child), but it seems to me that, perhaps, EC and CS may be getting in the way of a very important physical need: the need for sleep.
It’s not surprising (to me) that sleep deprivation is a torture technique and that sleep is necessary for cognitive development and physical growth. I read about a study recently (can’t find it, still looking, just trust me, ok?) that said that one extra hour’s worth of sleep a night brought as much added happiness as an extra $60,000 a year. How on earth would you compare something like that? Maybe I dreamed that study up. I certainly try to get as much dream time as possible. (except when I’m blogging, of course).
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Here is a little something Josh wrote about circumcision, when he was working in the ER……
As many of you, my friends are aware, there is a debate raging over whether all boys should should be circumcised at birth. The following incident will clearly illustrate the desirability of having your boys circumcised ASAP upon making their debut into the world.
I was working in the Mercy Capitol Emergency Room (In Des Moines Iowa) the other day when a 67 year old caucasion male was brought in by ambulance after having what his panicked wife referred to as a seizure. Upon further questioning it became apparent that he’d actually had rigors, or vigorous febrile shaking brought on by some kind of infection. To make a long story short we decided he needed to be catheterized and because I was bored out of my mind I volunteered to do it with the nurse’s help.
The guy was a diabetic who obviously hadn’t taken care of himself well, as he had one below the knee amputation and another foot that was gangrenous and probably the source of his sepsis (infection). This is important because I shouldn’t have been surprised that he didin’t take care of other things like retro-prepuce hygeine. When I tried to retract the foreskin to clean it in preparation for catheter insertion I found three unpleasant things. First, there was a bunch of old shmegma. Second, there was a bunch of new pus. Third, the foreskin hadn’t been retracted in a while and it was now severely restricted and couldn’t be completely retracted. In trying to pull the foreskin back over the glans, however, I woke the man from his semi comatose state and he sat part way up, screamed, and tried to slap my hand away. I never did get the foreskin retracted, and I had to insert the catheter with one hand actively trying to expose the urethral meatus. I suppose this was just as well, as the attending doctor mentioned in passing that if I left the restricted foreskin retracted over the glans, it would cut off the circulation and the glans would become ischemic and fall off.
So the moral is, if you don’t get it taken care of as a baby, well, you’ll become the butt of a lot of ER gossip and jokes at some point in the future.
Love Josh
Hi Sylwia, thanks again for commenting. I love a friendly debate. I think this story of Josh’s is interesting, but has no bearing on whether or not parents should practice genital mutilation.
If the possibility of future infection were the sole consideration, then obviously we should take out tonsils at birth, and remove eardrums and heck, let’s get rid of the entire urinary tract; wouldn’t want anyone to get a UTI ever.
Or, maybe we could educate people in hygiene (though some people seem to just know that they should bathe regularly).
I don’t think even Josh would consider this patient to be a good representative of any group (diabetics, non-circumcised males, or husbands–i feel bad for the poor wife!!!!).
Ironically, the best argument for circumcision that I’ve read (whether it is scientifically sound or not) is that it reduces the chance of spreading HIV/AIDS, so it’s being promoted in Africa.
Hmmm, or we could advocate abstinence and fidelity. Wouldn’t that be revolutionary?
[...] and I wanted to clarify my position. I originally mentioned circumcision in my post “Weird parenting priorities, cont.,” in which I also linked to Rixa’s thought-provoking blog (see my blogroll, on right). [...]
I just have to say that I am also a reader of Rixa’s. In fact, I participated in her surveys for her dissertation as a woman who UC’s. I can assure you it is not a passing fad or an educational gimmick.
As much as EC goes, I dont do it because I actually like the rhythm of changing my babies and washing their dipes and hanging them on the line to dry.
For co-sleeping. I co slept my first until she wanted a big girl bed….at the age of 3. Just after number two was born and is now nearly 18 months old and still co-sleeping. We went through a couple of bouts of constant nursing in the night and it seemed to alwatys coincinde wiht either a minor ailment on my part or hers, but NEVER because she was not getting enough sleep and needed that reassurance and help getting back to sleep. My children, while co-sleeping do not want to sleep and will not sleep alone. If they do or are made to, they do not sleep well, if at all. I am confident that when my baby gets to the point where she wants a big girl bed in her room, she will go just as effortlessly as her big sister did.
Attachment Parenting is about Interdependence NOT dependence. Co-sleeping is instinctual just like breastfeeding….which I will do until the baby weans herself, if she is 2 or 3, its not up to me. It is what she needs from me as a babe of mine.
I am heavily biased toward Rixa on this issue because I hold to most of the same tenets regarding child rearing that she does and honestly I believe my children are better children and will be better children than most because of it, and my husband and I are better parents than most becuase of it as well.
oh! and I should mention that as far as diapering goes, my first was trained and accident free by 18 months and the second one is well on her way to the same.
Hi Tasha-Rose,
thanks for commenting. i hope i didn’t sound disparaging of Rixa in any way. my husband was mostly joking; he knew Eric before they were married, and we were all friendly about 10 years ago (boy am i getting old!).
i think what Rixa is doing, with her dissertation and her blog, is extremely admirable. i like that, as mothers, we can each be experts on our own children’s needs. we can have a baby, learn from the experience and then say, “this i know to be true.”
i’m also in awe of all the research Rixa has done, and with how she presents her academic views so cohesively and convincingly.
i like “attachment parenting” better than another label i came across–”alternative parenting.”
i don’t like, however, that there seems to be, in the view of some, a strict set of behaviors (tenets) that define good (better? ?attachment?) parenting and therefore children.
Just for my benefit, is there a list somewhere of the practices that qualify kids to be better than most? And what percentage of those practices do I have to follow in order to succeed?
I assume the list would include: UC or midwife-attended (is that allowed?), EC, co-sleeping, breastfeeding until whenever the child stops, no vaccines, vegan, etc.
If you do subscribe to this set of tenets, how come you get to pick and choose which to do and I don?t? (you say you don?t do EC as a matter of personal preference).
Finally, I think ?instinctual? is an interesting word; sounds rather personal to me. Co-sleeping is definitely not instinctual to me. And, if it were, my first concern (I hope) would be the quality and quantity of my child?s sleep.
When you say that your co-sleeping kids did not want to sleep alone at that time, I admit that I had a hard time with my 2nd child on getting her to sleep on her back. For the first month of her life, she slept mostly on my chest (on her belly). But I believe in the back-to-sleep campaign, so I taught her to sleep on her back. It was difficult, but well worth it (for my peace of mind and for her sleep quality).
within 3 days she was sleeping on her back (in her own bassinet) for 8 hours straight (my kids gain weight extremely quickly, which I think helps the sleeping through the night.) I can think of many other worthwhile things in life that are difficult in the beginning yet so rewarding once mastered.
I am not so rigid as not to say to each their own. If AP doesn’t work in your home it doesn’t work. I read your child’s bill of rights and disagreed with the obvious ones but agreed with the others especially staying at home with your children. I think if you at least have that nailed as a seriuos and conscious (I can never ever ever spell that word and I have a degree in English for crying out loud!) decision, not just becuase you are lazy, then your children will more than likely be better behaved than most….that is based on not only my experience but witnessing it from others on both sides of it. I dont mean to break my own arm petting myself ont he back, but I have to say that my kids are better behaved than all of the children we know IRL sans for 2, another families children that are parented similarly to ours.
I do not see how “training” a child to sleep is a rewarding thing for either the parent or the child. You cannot train a need like sleep. You can help develope a sense of when it is time to sleep and such, but needs are not something to be managed like clockwork. I have not had one night that I have had trouble sleeping with children in bed…we have had nights where we nurse more, but that again is a need for my child, not just for nourishment, but for comfort. I glad you got your baby to sleep on her back, but to be honest, my baby, Zoe has never been a back sleeper and she is still alive. She has never slept in a crib or a couch or our bed on her back. It is just not how she is comfortable.
I posted a link on Rixa’s blog about “sleep training” that you might find interesting or you might blow off and say, ‘well, this study says…’
It has nothing to do with how difficult it is to get a child to sleep on their own, becuase, as I said, it has never been difficult once the decision was made by my older daughter to sleep on her own in her own bed. One night she slept with us, the next and each night after was in her own bed….on her own need basis and decision making. Of course a baby is going tobe ‘trianed’ after a few nights of being alone and scared and having gotten USED to being alone and scared….anyone would give up the fight.
We are one of the very few cultures in the world where co-sleeping is thought of as different…and it all has to do with the desire for independence….when you go one extreme, dependence or the other, independence, it is not a good thing. I commented on a Daily Om post yesterday about this very thing…I am teaching and rearing and loving my children in an interdependent way so that when they grow up and are independent of me, they still hold that they are interdependet citizen of a global community. Now that might be a little new agey to you, but most of these parenting methods seem a little off to you, too…yet they are as normal and natural as breathing…more normal and natural than forcing a child to stop nursing when they simply aren’t ready, or making a child sleep alone, or carrying a baby in a plastic detatched from Mama car seat carrier, or formula feeding, etc.
I respect your decision to rear your children how you do, but don’t treat what you don’t understand as something that only weak parents do. My children know thier boundaries and with each new age in their lives, those boundaries grow and will until they are adults and off in their lives…remaining, however, interdependent of everyone and everything around them.
I would say that being a real human being is the most difficult of all worthwhile things and the longest to master…wiuth that in mind, I would rather not parent any other way.
Hi Tasha-Rose,
again, thanks for commenting. I feel a little misunderstood (I had said my kids love the Baby Bjorn–which is a fabric carrier that has seen me through 3 kids; i didn’t craft it myself from hemp growing in the forest, but i think it does qualify me as “babywearing”).
Also, I needed to gather my thoughts. I’ve made a new post called “Parenting: Instinctive or Examined” in which I explain why I don’t value “instinct” or “normal” or “natural” or “supposed to” or “meant to be” as a great argument.
one final point. “training” can’t be applied to a need like sleep, but can be applied to a need like eliminating?
Shanon
I think everyone who is able to have children has their own chance to experiment with what is good or bad parenting. It’s the ultimate test in life, and none of us gets an instruction booklet.
I have a hard time with people like your friends (Rixa or Tasha) who sometimes think that whatever they do for their children would also be best for other people’s children. The fact is that other people’s children are not their stewardship or their test.
There seems to be a movement in America and Europe to got back to the basics like breastfeeding, cloth diapers, co-sleeping. Some of it is good and some of it is just strange and extremely inconvenient and in the long run it probably doesn’t make any differnce.
Teaching kids the commandments does make a differnce, spending time with children makes a big differnce. Not letting them watch TV all day makes a difference. At least that’s what the prophets say. They never mention cloth diapers or co sleeping probably because it’s not their place and does not make a lasting impact on the child.
Potty training kids by 18 months or showing off that two little girls are well behaved at a very young age, does not impress me as good parenting. Rather, seeing how the children turn out when they are adults and if they are honorable citizens. When i think of good parents I think of steve and nancy hardman. They raised 8 amazing kids (my husband is perfect and he is one of them), i like to listen to their advice, and they usually give very little advice. I don’t know about these young mothers with all the answers. I like the old folks who think that they don’t have all the answers because they have lived life and seen all the complications.
sylwia
well, i don’t know if Josh is perfect, but he is a nice guy! and his parents are some of my favorite relatives.
i know i need to be less dogmatic in my opinions. i’m glad for blogging that i have been reminded of that, at least.
i hope i get to see you and your kids sometime soon…
[...] Weird parenting priorities, cont. (In which I awkwardly introduce Rixa to my blog, and make wonderfully smart statements about elimination communication and co-sleeping. Though I still think those things are not for me, I hope I can discuss them more rationally now. Also, it’s always been fascinating to my dad and I that several of “these things” (cloth diapers, homeschooling, natural birthing, breastfeeding, composting) cluster together. Now I find there is a term/movement for this, “natural family living,” and “attachment parenting” . . . I wonder.) 4-18-2007 [...]